Interdependent relationships are formed between two people that are independent and realize that together they are better, but neither depends on the other for individual success.
Stephen Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) uses the metaphor of Emotional Bank Account to describe “the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship”. This is one of the most powerful and graphic concepts to date on building relationships based on trust.
The basic tenet of this simple yet profound principle is that we maintain a personal “emotional” bank account with anyone who works or relates with us. This account begins at a neutral balance. And just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals. However, instead of dealing with units of monetary value, we deal with emotional units.
This concept is powerful because it transcends time, space and hierarchy; that is it doesn’t matter whether you are the office cleaner, middle, senior management, or the CEO. A kind word from anyone in the office to another person at any level is a deposit.
When you do anything nice for anyone in your office, that is a deposit. This includes making a nice cup of coffee for your busy colleague or offering a ride to your colleague because it’s ‘along the way.’ Also, when you relate to your potential client as a flesh and blood human being rather than your potential bottom line, you are making a deposit.
On the other hand, an unkind word or deed, being disrespectful, being proud or arrogant; or actions that betray the trust of your friend or organisation, is a withdrawal from the Emotional Bank Account (EBA).
Trust is needed for a relationship to thrive. Without trust, we may manage to accommodate and endure another person. However, it cannot be mutually satisfying in the long run.
When your trust level is high, because you’ve made lots of deposits, communication is almost effortless. You can be yourself, and others understand and appreciate you. Then, when you make mistakes or offend someone unexpectedly, you draw on that reserve and the relationship still maintains a solid level of trust.
Conversely, when your emotional bank account becomes overdrawn, you have jeopardised the trust level. When the trust level is low, you have to be very careful of what you say; and how you behave with that person.
Our most precious relationships (with our family, friends and colleagues) require constant deposits, because those relationships continue to grow and change, and with these changes come new expectations.
Covey identifies six ways to make deposits (or reduce withdrawals):
Understanding the Individual: This means listening intently to what the other person is saying and empathising with how they may feel. It’s important to care for others and act with kindness toward them.
Keeping Commitments: How do you feel when someone arrives right on time when you have a meeting? How about when people simply do what they say they will do? You build up an emotional reserve by keeping your commitments.
Clarifying Expectations: We are not mind readers, and yet we consistently expect others to know what we expect of them. Communicating our expectations can help create a higher level of trust. When we ask for what we want, and we get it, we can then trust a little more.
Attending to the Little Things: Don’t you find that the little things tend to become the BIG things when they do not receive our attention? Doing the little things is how we honour and show respect for others. Small kindnesses, a smile, a little extra effort, a hug, doing something you didn’t “have” to do: these are the things that build trust.
Showing Personal Integrity: Integrity is the moral floor upon which trusting relationships are built. When we operate with sound moral character, it makes it so easy for others to trust us.
Apologising When We Make a Withdrawal: We will make mistakes; it’s part of life. But when you see you have violated a trust, sincerely apologising is how we make a deposit to counteract the damage we have done.
If we constantly make deposits into the accounts of everyone whom we interact with everyday, the account (trust) will be healthy and so will the relationship.
Some of us who grow up in an environment jostling and fighting for the survival of the fittest might perhaps find this entire concept bordering on the regions of naiveté.
We have heard of the phrase ‘give and take.’ However, some people just take, take and take. They drain the account. We call this person a ‘very draining person’ (VDP). Positive Psychology teaches us to stay away such people because they drain the life force from any body and organisation.
Any relationship where only one person is making the deposits, and the other is always withdrawing, is going to be physically, emotionally and mentally draining for the giver. Healthy relationships are build on reciprocity, where both people can actively make deposits and feel secure enough to make a withdrawal when needed.
So, the next time you relate to another person, think of your own account with that person. Is it credit or debit, in the green or in the red? Don’t despair if it is down south. You can do something about it. Top up the person’s account. Do it today. Do it now.
“You only need one ray of light to chase all the shadows away.”
― Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove
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All six points are worth reading and remembering. Keep Writing!!
Worth Reading!!